Also, what behavior/value etc almost stuck (that you were on a dangerous trajectory to perpetuating) but that you were able to develop the healthier antithetical to whether consciously or unconsciously
Personally, one thing I’ve noticed from childhood and work is that I cant tolerate people forcing me to respond or act while theres an expectation of time pressure or immediate perfect response.
I now generally enforce that I have time to make space and choose how to respond to thingsand thats actually much better for everyone involved even if the person or group doesnt end up getting what they want because at least there will be a more socially acceptable rejection of what I have determined to be something I need to say no to. A cornered wasp is a dangerous thing and I have rejected the necessity for that to ever be the case, no question or request is so important that I need to foreclose thinking and working my way to a coherent decision that responds appropriately to the originating stimulis
Religion.
Not only my parents, but most everyone who seemed to take it seriously as a thing to be a part of paradoxically were some of the worst people ignoring the lessons on how to not be a shitstain of a person. More about control and shame and not just… being good people.
Amen to that.
My parents were both yellers so I set pretty firm boundaries around it in my relationship which resulted in my partner not being a yeller anymore either.
Adding that to my list. No screamers or yellers. People can be worked up or upset without trying to establish volume-superiority over you or causing you audible discomfort to match theirs
Nobody yells or screams at me, I will leave/hangup/disconnect + block them thus removing their voluntary abillity to exert that over me
The louder they speak, the less they are and will be heard by me in both present and future
Shouting and swearing at your partner is verbal/emotional abuse.
Well, my parents earned their income by producing a bunch of mid- to high-percentage alcoholic beverages.
Realized in my late teens that alcohol and the whole alcohol-centric cultural environment my parents were embedded in, really, really sucked.
Still honour my parents, though, as they didn’t have much choice but to go this way (and made the best out of it).
Like, did were they alcoholics ultimately and did you have to go thru your own negative experience with alcohol to reach that or was that enough?
What would you say was the most formative experience that precipitated where you are now with that (if its not too uncomfortable to share)?
Alcohol is interesting for me because nobody in my family really had an issue with it but i had severe shitty life syndrome for such a long time that it became the only thing that numbed the hopelessness of it even as it caused innumerable problems contributing to that remaining the status quo for a long time even as things serendipitously improved and it was more or less chains on a much smaller less empowered me that had no conception of the agency I’ve developed and enforce today
Your recognition of they were trying to survive and make a living resonates with me because at some point I will need to address the aspect of the problem parent in some sense not knowing better and acting out of self-preservation
but I doubt I can forgive much of it besides recognizing they didnt know better and they dont have the necessary aspect of growth mindset where they would realize they can work incrementally on fixing their shit and not having to fall off the same cliffs repeatedly while dragging everyone else down with them
My father is an alcoholic (kind of an occupational disease for this kind of work), which nearly broke my family.
He realized it at some point, and attended a therapy, which thankfully stuck and kept him dry.
So I feel with you and hope for the best for you also.I did well with the sinclair method using naltrexone to extinction the dependancy, turned out I had more of a use disorder rathrr than a pure dependancy that would be charactetized by big A Alcoholism
Ironically, A fridge full of cold beers in the throes of cold-turkey withdrawl never had or would have interested me, it was all higher-percentage use-specific troubles.
I’m much better now, occasionally enjoy a bottle of wine but its a totally different experience from my vodka-shot downing days.
I do recommend that approach (opioid-antagonist medication therapy like naltrexone or nalmefene for Europeans i think) to anyone struggling with it but I understand its a controversial method and philosophy. Its a dangerous substance, alcohol is. That is for sure, its annoying how much culture gives it a pass just because its normalized and the elites realize its value in keeping people down and accepting bullshit conditions
blindly accepting religion
Honestly, my folks were pretty damn good at not forcing their values on me. So I ended up being able to build my world view as freely as it gets.
That being said, every adult in my life had been victim to the “if you work hard enough, you’ll succeed” fallacy that was made possible by the post ww2 economic boom in the US.
By my generation, that shit was long gone, and what dregs remained were trickling down the sewer to be sucked up by the 1%ers. But, because I saw people with minimal backgrounds having great jobs and steadily increasing their income via hard work, I got suckered in too. I mean, nobody in my family really had a useful degree other than one aunt, and everyone was doing okay. Homes, vehicles in good working order, bills paid, vacations, the typical idea of what a middle class life is like.
So why would I doubt it?
That lie fucked me before I could figure out it was bullshit, and thus I got trapped as a wage slave until my body broke, and now I’m a third class citizen only able to get by because there’s three fixed incomes in the home. By myself, I’m under the poverty line, and have zero ways to get above it.
