I absolutely didn’t mean it like that, which I tried to say up front, because I understood how it might sound. I have to ask, did you even notice that? (It’s easy not to notice once you think you’ve been slighted or threatened. That’s how brains tend to work.)

I can’t tell whether you’re suspicious or merely curious. If you’re suspicious, then maybe that’s how your relative feels when confronted with someone trying to teach them to read. Or there are many many possibilities. I won’t know what to suggest until I know more.

If you’re curious, I get it, but please understand that the point of asking is to offer advice better suited to your situation than generic advice that might be fine and might blow up in your face. Asking me for the whole playbook up-front is not reasonable. It fills a bookshelf and comes from 25 years of experience helping people. If I know more about your situation, then I believe I can help more effectively.

That’s it. Nothing up my sleeve. No hammer behind my back. Empty hands.

I’m asking because I can help you better if I know. It’s that simple.

Let me see whether I understand.

I could make a handful of guesses about OP and their situation, and then use those guesses to write hundreds or even thousands of words, some of which might help and many of which wouldn’t. On the contrary, some of them could be downright damaging, depending on a bunch of factors I don’t know about OP, their relative, and the relationship between them.

Or I could ask some questions and wait for the answers, then narrow my suggestions to those that, given that additional context, are more likely to help.

I’m trying to help one person, not write a chapter of a book.

You’re assuming that a strategy that is most likely to help on average for spherical relatives in a vacuum couldn’t be damaging in some situations. I’m telling you it can, because I’ve witnessed it, so I’d like to avoid that here.

Even the advice you seemed to side with in another thread (Offer help once, be as sincere as you can, then shut up and wait for them to come to you.) is quite decent advice, but might not address OP’s desire to help and OP might struggle to truly let go and shut up and wait. Many many people struggle with that. “Just do this thing that sounds simple, but might cause you to ruminate about this indefinitely and build up resentment” sounds risky and invites failure.

As for this:

But coming back to my main point, I still don’t see how the motivation could dictate strategies most likely to help.

You said that. I told you that the answer fills a bookshelf. I suggested two books to start. I totally understand if you don’t care enough about the answer to read a book. I guess you could ask an LLM to summarize one of those books for you, in case that would be more palatable to you.

And yes, I know that this sounds evasive. I genuinely don’t mean it that way. I don’t have a 50-word answer for you that distills decades of research into why people choose to do what they do, such as OP’s relative choosing not to learn to read. They might not understand it at all themself.

It’s fine with me if we disagree on this point. Indeed, I don’t need to convince you. I’d like to help OP and I’m not much concerned about justifying my methods to you. If you’re actually interested, read the Deci book. I really liked it.

I’ve had enough of this discussion, so I’m going to stop. Peace.

Which strategy is “best”? How would you know?

And, once again for you and everyone in the back, I’m not trying to grade OP’s motivation. Motivations are motivations. I’m not interested in good or bad, but rather more or less likely to actually help.

The answer to that question fills a bookshelf. Jerry Weinberg’s Secrets of Consulting could be a good start. Another would be Edward Deci’s Why We Do What We Do.

And you’re assuming that “convincing” is going to be an effective strategy here. I’m not so sure.

I will note here that I have tried earnestly to ask OP questions that would help me offer better advice than the generic slop I could offer without knowing more about the situation.

Knowing that OP might not trust me enough yet and might assume that my questions were expressing indirect doubts about their motivation, I emphasized that I’m not criticizing them, but asking genuine questions in order to gather information with which to help more effectively.

Subsequently, more than one person has doubted my motivations for asking these questions and already some seem unwilling to take my answers at face value.

See? Maybe it’s not as simple as “But I want to help!” I want to help and some of you seem really suspicious both of my intentions and my methods before even giving OP the opportunity to answer my first question.

Now maybe OP’s relative would feel similarly about being approached to learn to read.

🤷

I’m asking, not doubting. Nuances matter here. I want to know more about what’s going on in OP’s mind and heart, because that informs strategies for helping.

You can also shove your sarcasm straight up your ass. I’ll wait.

I know what it can be, but I don’t know what it is. When I know more, I can offer more helpful advice.

For example, if their motivation really is as simple as “I want to”, then quite frankly, their relative has no obligation to give OP what they want by letting OP help. And trying to force that on their relative seems risky and invites failure. This is known as “inflicting help” and is a very common source of friction in relationships.

That’s why I’m asking.

I did not notice that, so that’s my mistake. Sorry.

Sigh.

Can you imagine a universe in which asking the questions I asked is in fact a way of gathering more information with the goal of helping, instead of indirectly criticizing OP and doubting the sincerity of their intentions?

What if I thought this might be a common reaction, then brought that into the open in the middle of my questions? Would that help?

(EDIT: I didn’t look closely enough, so I didn’t notice that I was replying to someone else and not OP. Oops. I’ll wait for OP to reply. Comments withdrawn.)

I guess you didn’t believe me. Pity.

Why do you want to convince them to learn? I mean this as an open question and not as an indirect criticism. If you convince them to learn and then they learn, what does that get you?

(EDIT: No, really, this is not an indirect criticism. I would like to understand OP’s motivation better in order to offer better advice. That’s it.)

I have compassion for them. I don’t even blame them. I don’t know how to fix what’s broken, but I know that blaming and ridiculing them doesn’t work. If it did, then the situation would have improved by now.

I had a jar crack, because I don’t know what I’m doing. I infer it’s best to cool the soup completely first in the fridge, then allow it to freeze.

And now all the people who can’t resist correcting me will chime in. Go for it!

It has its moments, but it also led to significant terror every year, wondering whether this would be the last year people would hire me.

I started accidentally. I stockpiled cash from my IBM job, then I wrote some things about a topic that was becoming popular. Then people noticed me. Since I didn’t have to settle for another crappy job, I could take a chance on doing a few gigs that paid good money.

Two years later, somebody identified me as The Person to write The Next Book on that topic. And then a few influential people amplified me.

And then a few more.

That was the luck I needed.

My first Adult Job (not a teenager job) lasted 4 years and ended in 2001. After that I became a freelancer. Since then, the longest gig I’ve had is 11 weeks or 1-2 weeks every 4-6 weeks for about 4 years. Otherwise, I have worked with clients 2 hours to 5 days at a time.

I got away with that for 25 years and now I’m struggling to figure out what happens next.

Make sure? Impossible.

All jobs are an experiment and a guess. Interviewers are often on their best behavior, just like candidates are. There is no way to know. Hope for the best and be ready to leave, to the best of your ability.

I’m really very sorry that the situation isn’t better for you. I believe I’m facing similar issues.

Good luck. Peace.

Nope.

I really love this reply and especially how it promotes genuine decency rather than coerced decency. I know I’m not exactly adding to the discussion, but I really wanted to recognize how warm this reply felt to me with something more than a mere upvote.

When we had several, I tended to use the name only to distinguish them; otherwise, they were all simply “cat”.