I was roommates with Dr. Funk.

If you are and you admit it, you’ll get more grace from intelligent people. Sometimes.

I once was taking a nice old man to the hospital, when he stopped breathing. I gave him a second and tried to rouse him, and he was pretty stubborn about it, but he still had a weak pulse. I called to my partner.

“Hey, how close are we to the hospital?”

“About 5 minutes, why?”

“Well, he’s not breathing. So if you hit any traffic, hit the lights, will you?”

I bagged him for about 3-4 minutes. Traffic was light, and we were making pretty good time, so we decided not to freak anybody out. The guy came to, and looked confused.

“What happened,” he asked.

“You stopped breathing, so I was breathing for you.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“You are very welcome.”

He’s still the only person who ever said thank you when I tried to save their life.

I’m just one, simple man with his crystal ball and a knife with virgin blood on it.

Roberts should just accept that his court is one of the three pillars in the collapse of the US into a middle power in the next 25 years.

86.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

It’s that big so it can reach the 2 fuel pumps needed to fill up.

Some of the earlier stuff is more creative in my opinion.

😁

Atlanta is the Delta hub; I try to make the location relevant. Like the new drone article… there’s a drone base outside Sugarland. Shhhh, don’t tell. 🙂

Leo helps detangle bizarro satire from bizarro reality.

There are no smoking signs all over, but you’ll never see a no exploding sign on a plane.

I was going to create a 5-4-3-2-1-BOOM plan for the liquids you can carry on, but the article ran a bit long.

Leo had a scheduling conflict he had to untangle.

Does that make me like the ogre guy?

Now I’m going to spend all day trying to find a Quantum Leap cow pun.

Not the Onion, I write these just for Lemmy.

Unfortunately that just counts as one of your 99 problems.

I’m gonna make you stay up all night because of this, aren’t I?

I’m ashamed my satire is more plausible than anything they’ve said.